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Thursday, May 27th, 2010
10:45 am - Taking weight loss seriously.
I've been over weight my whole life and have strugled with loosing weight and improving my generl health for over a year now. A couple of weeks back I fell way off track and for some reason stopped caring.

I thought about it and it scared the hell outta me.

I went from 245lbs to 272lbs in the blink of an eye and the bite of some cake.

I'm back in track now with more determination and resolve then when I first started on this journey.
I'm no longer doin this for asthetic reasons. If I don't start now I'm going to die.

I've started eating right and walking/jogging on the treadmill for 80 min a day. I'm up to about 4.5 miles. It takes allot of time. It takes allot of energy, and it takes loving yourslef to do this. The way I look at it is of you can't love yourself can you truly love any one else?

So here I am. The end of week one and I've dropped to 261lbs. It's working for me. I can feel a change in my body already but more importantly I can feel a change in my mind.

Im finding little things to keep me motavated. At work i'm joining a cardio challange to walk at least 50 miles by June 24th. I think I can do it. I need to. I need that mile stone.

I'm not very good at updating here but I'm going to try and use this journal as a reminder of my personal jurney. We'll see how it goes

- posted from my iPhone. Sorry bout the poor spelling.

Posted via Journaler.

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Saturday, September 26th, 2009
10:40 pm - You never feel how big a house is, till you'er alone in it.
Last week I ran into an old high school friend, Beth. We caught up for about 20 minuets and before leaving I made sure I had her number correct.

I texted her that night and she invited me over Friday (yesterday) so we could continue to catch up. It was really awesome. We were up till 4 am talking about old time, old people and how we have beam what we are in our new lives.

After confirming it was ok with Allison I crashed in Beth's spare bedroom because between her, her husband and I we killed 4-5 bottles of wine.

I think I either woke up drunk or had, by far, the worst hang over of my entire life.

So last night I was too intoxicated to realize hat this is the fist night Allison and I had spent away from one another in a little while and because I was inebriated I didn't mind much. Actually, I didn't mind much of anything. I kept loosing my train of thought halfway thru my sentences…. It made for good laughs at my expense.

Allison is running a 5k tomorrow in San Francisco. It's Race For The Cure.
She's been training for months for it. I'm so proud of her. She's come so far due to her hard work, diligently running 4+ times a week and awesome personal trainers.

Because the 5k is early and the commute would be horrific just before a race she is staying with my mom tonight.
Tonight I am not intoxicated.
Tonight I realize how much I miss her.
Tonight I feel lonely for the first time in a very very long time.

They say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
I don't know if I agree with the statement, as I think it's more the reality of,
"Absence makes the heart realize how fond it already is."

So tonight I'll be curled up with a stuffed Eeyor all alone, and for the first time in too long I'll say a prayer before I go to sleep.

Good night every one….

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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
4:19 pm - More pieces of the world thru my eyes.
Going thru my collection I found a few more that were interesting and then some that where fun...

10 very large picturesCollapse )

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1:50 pm
I was going over some of the fruit of my hobby and thought I would post some of them.

Photography is a passion of mine and I seldom leave home without my Canon.

Feel free to comment and I hope you enjoy…

39 Random pictures taken by yours truly.Collapse )

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Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
9:49 pm - My weight, before and after.
At work today some one walked up and dropped two pictures of me on my desk. They were taken about a year ago or so then best I can tell. What I saw when I looked at them almost made me cry.

I knew I was really heavy before I started Atkins but I had no idea just how heavy....

Here are the before pics... the ones that were dropped on my desk....



I was just about 330 Lbs. in those.

This is me as I sit here today....

254 Lbs.

I can do so much more now... I go running 3-5 days a week, I have the energy to go out, have fun and live life.
I don't dread stairs and feel like I'm going to die after climbing one flight. I feel.. alive.

I'm posting this as a reminder to myself... Where I've been and how far I've come.

It's been a long and hard road, and I still have a long way go, but when it gets tough I'll look back on these pics and I'm sure it'll give me the inspiration I'm laking in that moment.

current mood: surprised

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Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
4:33 pm - 50 Lbs down, 50 to go.
As of yesterday I have lost 50lbs on Atkins.

It's not been easy, but every time I go to put a carb in my mouth I ask myself, will the food be as satisfying as seeing the numbers on the scale drop. More often then not I don't take the bite...

I can't believe how I feel, it's so awesome. I fit into cloths that I never thought I would. I've gone from 330 lbs at a size 48 to 280 lbs and a size 42. Not to mention how much energy I have and how great I feel over all.

I couldn't have done all this without my girl or my room mate Rob. They do worlds to keep me on track...

Since I haven't posted a pic in awhile, here is the new me :

50 lbs down, 50lbs to go

compared to the old me:


One hell of a difference huh?

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Friday, March 6th, 2009
11:00 am - set adrift on the Sea of Friendship
I’m at work trying to pass my lunch time away, listening to music and thinking of days gone by. Life is so different, no just because of the things I’ve changed, and the person I’ve become, but because of the people missing in it. I have never been one to be defined by my friends, but my friends have always been my family, and right now it feels like I have family that I haven’t seen in so long.

Friendships that have slowly melted away like glaciers in the sun hit by global warming. Once huge majestic things shrunk to something smaller then the drip from a kitchen faucet. I worry about the family out of site, for with me on this subject, out of sight is not out of mind.

Where have you gone, what have you become... I used to know what made you who you are but have the tragic or beautiful moments of life some how shaped you into something else? Have you grown? Obtained your dreams? Have you fallen, and now are in a dark and alone place?
I know I can’t protect the whole world, and I can’t always make things better.... but who I am states I’ve gotta try.

Enter guilt: stage right.

I don’t know these things about those I miss because I didn’t keep the lines open. I didn’t make the effort to keep the our ships afloat on the Sea of Friendship. I know I had to do in life what I’ve done to get were I am. I know it’s left me here wondering.

Exit guilt: stage left

I have faith that those people are doing what is best for them as I did for me. I hope their visions are right and true. I hope they have their best intensions in mind and those now around them have their best intensions in heart. I know... The path way to hell is paved with good intentions... but so is the pathway to the heavens.... The difference is follow thru I would like to think.

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Monday, May 26th, 2008
4:03 pm - Just randomness

   With the weather we’ve been having I thought fall had fallen and summer had finally come. I say finally as though it’s something I look forward to, but as I hate the heat like school boys hate home work, this isn’t the case. So today being a perfect 70 degrees with a soft breeze, I’m in near paradise. It’s hard to believe just last week I thought my brain would cook inside my head from the unrelenting sun beating down on me as I drove to work… and then lunch.. Well, I barley wanted to venture outside to smoke it was so hot. I forgot about Sacramento heat, and as it doesn’t compare to Kansas City’s with the horrible humidity there, it’s still heat, and thus unpleasant.

   Life for me lately has been that of a shampoo bottle. Lather rinse repeat. I have to admit I like things this way. I work and sleep and on the rare occasion get to see friends for a nice cup of iced Joe, like today.

   I’m at a place called Java Café (original name I know) on Fairoaks waiting for B da Ninja and the always lovely Kaila (his better half) I have seen them all of one time since they have moved back. And now that I’m thinking about it that is quite the crime. He has been the voice of reason for me for nearly 2 years now, and lord knows I need reason in my life because to know me, is to know I can be unreasonable. The bad part is that I don’t usually see it until it’s too late. But then I need to give myself a little credit… I have some reasonable moments… most having to do with the advice of others’ lives.

   So I have no idea why I’m writing, but for the sake of it. Kind of reminds me of my dad. Always walking around talking to himself. I’ve always just thought he liked the way words rolled off his tong. Must be, cause when he mumbles only he can understand it. And so you have me here.. words pouring from the key board for no reason.. really… if you are still reading I have no idea why?

   So I’m feeling the itch again. The itch if two wheels, 14,000 red line and nothing but you, the wind and the road. Yeah… I really need to get back on a bike. Hopefully B will take his classes soon to learn how to ride, that will set a fire under my butt to get one of my bikes running, if not get a new one all together… hummm… That reminds me… I need to buy scratchers today. I’m not going to get rich working a regular job, now am I?

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Thursday, May 15th, 2008
8:06 pm - Sim

   The best way I can describe how I feel is numb. I feel as though I’m floating thru the day with little to no direction. I feel I have no control, yet I’m not controlled by any out side source at the same time.

Like a kid who runs beside his bike as fast as he can then lets it go to watch it “ghost ride” down the sidewalk until it inevitably crashes. I feel like I am this bike.. costing wobbly down the path… only I know me being who I am I will not crash. After all… it’s not what I do… Anymore.

   This thing with Sim is taking it’s toll on me no doubt. It weighs heavy on my heart and mind. He was such an awesome person, thru and thru. He had his flaws, but they added to his flavor, if only all of us were so lucky to have our flaws accent who we are.

   It’s been about 7 months since I talked to him last. Really talked that is. He called me distrot at 1:30 in the morning in the middle of some random week shortly befor I moved back to Sac from Kansas City. He was full on in tears about his life and we talked as we used to, almost like Father to Son, and tried to sort thru the chaos that defined him at that moment. Six hours past, countless tears fell but at the conversations end he was laughing and full of life how I liked toremeber him.

  That seems like so long ago.


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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
12:11 pm - Random thoughts and Recent pics of me
My life... yeah... The thing about my life is that sometimes I don't really feel like it's mine. I know I'm the one who has control of it, and I know I can take it in what ever direction I want to, but some times... just some times... it feel like it's a run away train rushing down a steep grade and the brakes are out. I'm blowing the horn, telling people to get out the way, but no one heads my warning, they all try and slow me down.

Looking back on what I just wrote really makes me think. Sigh.. too much time to think these days...

Have I become my self destructive father? Pushing away help and secretly enjoying my life in the downward spiral. Complaining that nothing ever goes my way, and then making it a self fulfilling prophecy? God I hope not.

Patterns. They are everywhere. And it has been brought to my attention that the patterns in my life are fairly easily seen. There are some from my past that I refuse to let repeat them selves, and it would seem others that have slipped by. I tried damn hard to reinvent myself in Kansas City, and I won't let all that hard work go to waste. I've been good so far about everything but employment. So employment will be my focus now...

I'm rambling now.. but I don't care... this all is written for me, not you... I need to clear my head. So many thoughts on the regular that I don't talk about, don't develop, that I don't vent, and others I don't share. I don't let allot out. I keep them in because it's what I do. and It's not even something I consciously do any more. When I was younger I would worry about what people would think of my thoughts, so I would not share because if I did not share I would not have to hear the worst... But I consciously know now that if I do not share I can not hear the best... And if any of you actually read all this... don't ask me what I don't share... I won't tell you. Do you tell your inner most thoughts to any one? No? Yeah.... it's cause we share something in common.. we are human and it is what it is and is what we do. It's sucks... but thems the brakes.

Wow... I'm thinking I need direction in my life and I can't even keep a direction in this post. But it's been so long since I've posted I felt I should write something so that those who still read what I scroll out here know I'm still alive. Yeah... my heart goes pitter pat, but it's hardly living. It's more like surviving maybe? I'm stagnant, and need to be revitalized. Where should I look for inspiration? I think I'll start with the Want Ads that are sitting beside me on this table. But where next? In the word of a kind friend, in the a verse of a random scripture perhaps? Maybe I'll strike up a conversation with worldly old homeless guy. They always have some pearls to drop.

Ok... that's all I got, LoL...

Recent Pics of MeCollapse )

current mood: awake

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Thursday, November 8th, 2007
12:22 am - Spinning records is like living life.

I've recently started “spinning”, that's “DJing” to those of you who don't know the term, and with it I have found the prefect analogy for life.

When spinning it's all about finding two tracks that go together well, then speeding one up, or slowing it down so that it's at the same pace as the song the world can hear while only you can listen to the one coming up on your head phones. When they are just right, and the time comes ,you make your mix and put them together hopefully seamlessly.

Thats life. Mixing one moment with the next. sometimes it works and some time it doesn't, but either way the show must go on. As time passes and each moment comes to it's end you pick your next track from the vinyl you have available and make the most of it. Some times is pure beauty, and others it's a train wreck.

The vinyl is our options in life, we as individuals are the DJ and the mixer is wisdom. We can only hope we get our timing right and drop on cue, because if we miss the precise moment we are looking for, we spend so much time playing catch up.

I'm used to living life one day at a time, and now it's one revolution of the 12 inch. I'm learning to plan ahead, but be ready to pull back or push forward when looking for the beat.

I've learned that life doesn't always have to be played at volume 10, and that some times silence really is golden.

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Thursday, September 27th, 2007
1:14 pm - *public service announcement*
 Hello Ladies and Gents, this is your public service announcement, Aus is back in Sac.... No, I'm not visiting, I'm back for good. Kansas City was nice, but not nearly as nice as being around all those I love and care about...

I've missed you all, and hope to see you all soon....

*This concludes your public service announcement*

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Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
5:41 am - This is a long one, and I'm half asleep...
Do you remember sitting in cross legged as a young child in what seemed an huge circle with that one kid, building your anticipations, slowly walking around all the kids saying.. "Duck... Duck... Duck..." you hope you'll get picked and have the chance to hop up and run and catch them as you both race around the circle.... They get closer..."Duck... Duck...Duck..." you start to get nervous, you just know it's going to be you and then "Goose!" and you were right, you spring to your feet, hot on there heals and then tag.... you get thru the round....

What happened to life being that simple? That painless? That fun? What happened to your biggest worries being not getting home in time to see you favorite cartoon and the only stress you had was not being picked last for kick ball?

You notice the world is a much different place later on in life. It's dark, cold and a little scary. There's no more cowboys an indians, and when you play cops and robbers the stakes are allot higher.. Cause when you are running these days it's there's no laughing and giggling involved.

What do you do if you discover that you had helped make the world a little darker? That your actions in the past have made things seem colder and that you were what made things scary?

Does it make things any different if you've honestly changed? Does it negate the horrors of your past? The times you trespassed ageist others, and the times you were some one's personal boogie man?

Because I was all of those things. Some one's darkness. Some one's freezing night, and the cause of many people's fear. Where do I stand now that I am no longer that person?

I get to experience them all myself I suppose. Not in the way that I dealt the hand back then, but as an old friend used to say "Same problems, different situations". and so I sit here, deep in thought, and realizing that allot of what I am going thru, I have put others thru. So with that said, I know I have no right to complain.

The situations are completely different for me, and the average person wouldn't see how they are similar in any way, including the emotional aspect of it all. But believe you me, they are bed fellows.

Because of where I have put myself the warmest days can still give me cold chills, and nights seems to be filled with a pure blackness that not even the brightest light could cut thru it, and yes... the world... the world is a very scary place.

Now here I stand at a cross roads. I can take the path that would lead to me dropping into fetal position, wanting to pull the covers over my head and hopping those things from my bad dreams can't get to me thru the soft cotton, Or... Or I can simply choose to walk down the path that I was on not too long ago... Where I stood tall, met things head on and was proactive about all things in life. It was a good time, and it was because the best defense is a good offense.... and I attacked all problems I had with awesome vigor.

Of course I could just choose to stand still and do nothing. But lets face it, if you know me well enough to be reading this thing, then you know me well enough to know I could never just let myself lay stagnant.

Yes, I've been dealt a shitty hand indeed, but I think I might have a card up my sleeve. I've been reactive to everything lately, trying to tread water to keep my head above it, spending ten times the energy I would if I had just picked a direction to swim in. Yes... that is the key... I need to pick a direction, and move in it... I'm too much of an Aries to just let myself drown, don't you think?

A great friend made me think tonight about reactive Vs. Proactive behavior. She turned a switch on in my head.... right after she helped me pull it out of my ass... She kind of kick started something in me... and I don't think she has a clue about it.
the bottom line is that I've been reactive towards everything going on right now. Be it the end of my relationship, or the several close calls with almost loosing my job. I need to be proactive. It's so simple it makes me laugh.

We are in the positions in life that we have put ourselves in. Pure, simple and to the point. No one has put us here.. and if it appears that way it's usually (not always) but usually because we allowed them to.... but as the Wu once said... "If some one keeps kickin you and kickin you and kicking you, if you break off their motha fuckin foot, there won't be no kick any more". I messed up the quote, but you get the idea.....

I've been all over the place with this post...  but bear with me....
*Life aint simple.... I got it.
*I've made life hard... I got it.
*Life is being hard on me... I got it.
*Life will be what it will be if you allow it... I got it,
and bout time I remembered.....
*Life is what you make it, if you choose to make it anything... oh snap... I got it.

I've been wallowing in depression and self pity. That stops now. Right now. I'm taking back control. It's my life damn it, and I'm choosing to do something about it.

I've neglected some one close to me because of this crap.... sorry darlin... Bubba's back now. Don't give up on me yet...

So where do I go from here? Well every great play in every great sport has had a game plan behind it, and that is what I need to start with....

My first step in this should be to go to bed, lol.... it's 5:29am... so I'm going to start with that. I'm going to bed happy for the first time in a little while because a few friends, not working together, but having a common goal have reminded me that this is my life and I can make it anything I want. Those of you who have offered me your support, and even given it without me asking, Thanks. You guys are the best.

I'm not going to click my heals and wish my way home. I'm going to break my back if I have to, and get home because I've made it happen....

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Sunday, May 13th, 2007
8:15 am - When the going gets tough...
I've really got to pull it together. Every where I look in my life I see things falling apart. Everything I've worked so hard for is just falling to pieces and I don't know why. If I did, I'd fix it... I'd work on the problems till my fingers were raw and I sweat blood.

But whats before me seems invisible. I can help any person with any problem they might have but I always struggle with my own. Some one once told me it's because I'm too close to the my problems i've having. It's like trying to focus on something that is far too close to your face to see properly.

I'm not in a very good place mentally right now, but I'm trying to keep my focus the best I can. But as much as I want to think of a game plan to move forward with all I can think of is all the stuff that's gone wrong lately. I lost my relationship of 2 years, I've damn near lost my job and now I'm losing control of my emotions. I don't know what to do, and that scares the hell out of me. I'm the "Go to" guy. I always know what to do, but now.... I'm clueless.

I'm so out of tune with-myself I don't even know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.
If I could only get a firm grasp on the "Why", and if I could I would be so much easer to reason myself out of this.

I'm sad, frustrated and scared as hell. Does this sound like the Aus you know? Yeah. Doesn't sounds me to myself either. Jesus I need a hug...

Okay...I need to take some deep breaths, calm down and then man up. I'm good at coming up with game plans.... gotta come up with a game plan...

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Thursday, April 12th, 2007
12:29 pm - Where I'm at the day after...
All the events of late have become a painful reality. I have the ability, or rather curse, to not deal with things until I absolutely have to. These past days have been no exception.

Alice and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. At the time I had the possibility of salvaging the relationship, but of course my self-destructive nature, and lack of forethought prevented me from doing so. I knew I loved her, but had no idea how much until she was gone. Not gone from our commitment to one another... because we were living together still.. and I took that for granted, but gone as in I took her to the air port to go home to California.

The days before I took her to the air port I watched her feverishly pack all her most valued belongings. It still didn't sink in. I watched her print her boarding passes the night before, it still didn't sink in. On the drive to the air port it was still unreal, the fact that Alice was leaving still didn't sink in.

Not until I drove away from the air port did I realize she was gone, and wasn't coming back. She was off to her new life in California, and I was left to my old life here, only she wasn't in it any more.

I'm writing as though we will never talk again, that's not the case at all. It's just that I will no longer wake up with her next to me, I won't be able to share laughs about what we are watching on t.v., and I'll no longer get to fight for my small portion of the bed with her at night. I'm lucky in the way of getting to talk to her every day still... I have that, and I'm going to hold onto it as long as she allows me to.

There are a couple of directions my life can take right now. I can do as I always have an let life spiral out of control and try to replace the lost love with random unhealthy encounters, OR I can be smart this time, reason with myself and be positive, be focused, be the person I've become and not let the end of my relationship destroy me completely. I'm going with the latter. I'm consciously choosing not to date any one. I'm choosing not to put my self in those situations that could lead down a road I do not desire. I'm going to be focused on work, and saving and moving home to California myself. I'm going to rise from this depression a stronger man who has not compromised the person he's become. I will not back slide, I refuse. I have worked so hard to get where I am, and so has she, Allot of the reason I'm who I am now is because of Alice's support and love. I'll honor our work on my life by moving forward with it, and not destroying it.

So this is me and my plan. I'm going to remain the person I am. Single, sober,
career minded and homeward bound. I will not sway from this. I will not bend I will not compromise. I will be strong, I will cry when I need to, and I will remain who I am.

Ladies and gentlemen the old Austin of just a couple of years ago is dead and gone. And the new Austin is here to stay.

Thanks to every one who has given the time to listen to me cry and help me get thru this. With out friends like you I'd be lost to old ways. Thank you for reminding me that I'm strong, but quietly lending me your strength at the same time.

You guys are the best.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
11:41 am - WoW
If you are fat, you have to watch this. If you don't like fat people, piss off.

Check her out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
5:28 pm - Last night
   I don't go out to bars very often, but when I do it's usually my boy B and I sitting at the same table all night chit chattin about random events in life, quietly making fun of how bad some people dace, or pointing out the guys who are going from woman to woman being shot down every time, but never losing hope.... The closest bar to me usually plays crap music from an internet juke box and is over all pretty lame, but B wanted to go last night just to get me out of the house....
   It was a fun 5 block drive that took about 10 minuet because of all the fresh snow fall, and when I got there and stepped out of the car into calf deep snow (in my skate shoes no less) I didn't have much hope for the evening. I didn't want to go in the first place but B had a point, I next to never get out of the house because I work so much.
   The bar, called The Point, has two levels. The ground floor was filled with the usual shiny happy people, who a bunch of had Greek letters spilled across there shirts from this sorority or that fraternity. We stayed up stairs only long enough to hear the juke box go from Brittany Spears to Liniard Skinard. Not being able to hack the music we went down stairs hoping the box was playing something more pleasing and the people didn't look so plastic and perfect.
   As I walk down the stairs I heard something faintly familiar... a fast kind of rhythmic beat that I haven't heard out here in the mid west. I reach the bottom of the stairs, open the door and am embraced by my old dear friend, Hard House. Looking around the downstairs bar to my sunrise I saw a DJ. A real live DJ in Kansas City... I almost fainted.
   Any one who knows me knows the parties I usta through, and I've had more DJs at just one of my old house parties than I've seen here in KC,MO over the last 18 months.
   So there I was. Standing with a stupid look on my face dazed at the wonderful discovery, almost not able to move for a moment. One might have thought I found the cure to some horrible disease by the look on my face... and I did in a way... I found the medicine I sought so badly... Good music for me can cure any emotional ailment. I didn't know I was so down until my spirits were raised so high.
   Tap -tap -tap my foot started, bob -bob -bob went my head.
   B walked away laughing at my little kid excitement to get us a couple of beers, I walked away to find the dance floor in an adjacent room.
   He found me moments later, my old liquid moves had come back as though I stayed dancing since before I left California. He laughed and called me a "fool", I laughed and called me a "fool". It had been so long since I had danced I was self conscience. Three Miller High Life's later I was loose enough to start the foot work and it was on from there. "Party people" "Liquid" "Gliding" "Two steeping"
   I show boat when I dance, and have been known to be conceded about it, So when people started to point at my feet and and nod and smile I took it up a notch and for a moment, the old Aus was back. B was right, I was a fool... a dancing fool, and it felt damn good.
   I took a break and posted up on a wall next to B after awhile. I had forgotten how tiring dancing is. And I barley had my next beer down before some girl who was watching me dance said. "Teach me how to dance to this... I like the way you move". So back on the dance floor I went....
   I danced until they switched DJs.... I can't go from dancing to hard house to dancing to hip hop, it just throws me off....
   I left the dance floor and B and talked by ourselves for awhile before he met some one....
   I ended up sitting around for the rest of the night, but it was cool... I got out for once and had a great time. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun....
   I woke up with only 6 hours sleep this morning fresh as a daisy, no hang over, no aches and paints... yeah... it feels like today is going to be a good day.


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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
10:46 am
This is just a quick post to let every one know I'm still alive and well. Things are good here in MO, but am still looking forward to moving home to CA. I love the slow life of Missouri, but I'll always be a Cali boy at heart.

A change of pace is in order. I miss every one there, but for those of you who knew me as a slacker no worries, I don't plan to move back to that life when I move back. I know I have a good thing going, and some of you have voiced concerns and suggestions that I should stay here, but don't worry, When I move I'll be taking my job with me, and maintaining my 50-60 hour weeks. Truth be told that I'm expecting that most people won't see me much more than they do now because of work, but the occasional kick-it session will do me very well, besides, the main reason I'm moving is to be closer to my little girl. She needs me, and to be honest, I need her.

I just wanted to say hello to all who read this...

Happy holidays!

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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
4:16 pm - I really need to write in this more offten...
Life is an ever abundant set of twists and turns, but since I've been driving safely on the road of life I've been able to avoid falling off any cliffs.
Life has been rough but not unbearable.

I'm on a quest to get myself a truck. Using the Range Rover for anything other that normal car duties is out of the question. I know it's ment for it being an SUV, but who really wants to use a 100K vehicle for shipping and halling boxes all over town? Besides, it's not my style. I was all about it at first, felt good to be seen in, but that got played out.

I think I found out what I want to do for my hobby. I don't know how realistic it is, but I'm going to give it a shot. I've rode motorcycles my whole life(off and on anyhow) and so I think I'm going to build my own. from the ground up. It'll be expensive, but I figure I can manage over the next year or two to to piece one together. I've already have some ideas as to where I want to go with it, how I want it to look and perform. I think I can pull it off. It'll be something to pour myself into, something I can be proud of on completion. Lets face it, any one who knows me knows I was ment to ride...

My daughter visited for a couple of weeks last month. That was awesome. I miss her so much, I wish she lived closer, but that's not going to happen. I'm hoping I will get to see her on some of her vacations, but that is up to her mother. If she has other plans for Anna for those times I won't be able to argue, I wouldn't stress her over it, she doesn't deserve it. But if not I'll be one happy man.
We hung pout allot and had allot of fun. We unfortunately didn't get to do anything really fancy, it was mainly playing games, talking, swimming stuff of that nature, but it definitely opened my eyes to what I am missing by her not being more in my life. I miss my little girl. She is the best, I couldn't ask for a better child.

Things at home have been good. We got a kitten that is growing in leaps and bounds. We ended up getting her a cat tree... no that does do it justice... a cat palace. It's some 3 feet at its widest and over 6 feet all with have a dozen pedestals and a cool little cat hide away home. Kona is spoiled, but she's the best cat ever so she deserves it.

I've been thinking of old friends allot lately. About the ones I still talk to, but more about the ones I don't. I worry about them sometimes. I want to just call them to make sure they are still breathing and are okay but most I can't for one reason or other. But then that's me. always worried about every one but myself. I don't think that'll ever change.

I feel like there's allot more to write about but work calls (as if it never stops) so I have to get back to it.

Hope everything is beautiful for any one reading this... and if it's not, keep your chin up, if things could get better for me, they can most definitely get better for you. You just have to give it the opportunity...

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Friday, July 28th, 2006
2:34 pm - I just felt like writing....
Life is just trudging along. There is nothing spectacular, nothing too exciting, save a small tussle last weekends that I had to stop. It causes me to pause and think... there is nothing remarkable. I'm going to have to change that.

Because life right now is so mellow I find my thoughts drifting softly back to California. I miss so many people there, and then at the same time am glad to be away form just as many.

I talked to an old friend today and he made me realize just how grown up we all are. How we have all at the same time, but not planed, dug ourselves out of the holes we have put ourselves in... and done it well. We've solidified ourselves as responsible adults. I never saw this coming.

I wish there were people I could talk to from my past. Open their eyes to where I am now, who I am now... I want to know if they can see it too.  I don't have a need to prove anything to them, I just want to let them know they were right, I wasn't living up to my potential.

I owe so much to those who pushed me forward, a debt that could never be repaid.

So here I am.. this is how far all the pushing has sent me. The law of inertia... It took a lot to get me going. Now I don't want to stop.

On the up side of things...

Looks like I'm going to be going on a tour of Europe in 3 months or so. I'll be going for a month on business. Going from city to city, from country to country on a speaking tour. I'm going over seas to help secure my employer's fan base. I don't know how many counties I'll be going to, or which ones even yet, we are still planing it. The only one I know that is definite is few locations within the U.K. I'm hoping for Ireland, but won't hold my breath for that. We don't have many customers there. I'd be a nice way to gain some though.... Only time will tell on that one.

I'm thinking of moving to a new place. I'm currently in a small one bedroom that I use as a home office, I'd like a house so that I can get a dog. I've been wanting one for so long. A min-pin.... Just a random thought to throw in here.

More randomness solely because I still feel like writing.
n the last year here I have made a total of 2 friends. one through the other.
First I met M, he was cool at first, a fun drinking buddy but then things kinda went south, through him I met B... now he's a bad mama-jama... Funny as hell, good peoples, he's like family. Any one reading this who knows me at all is well aware of my paternal need to take people under my wing... that's this guy.
He was in the tussle last weekend that I mentioned above. M made some racist comments, and B is black... they went at it.. I pulled them apart... M caught me with an elbow trying to get past me to B... I don't like being hit in the face, and he caught my lip... so for like 2 seconds the old me came out and ended picking him up and dipping him into a parked car... that kinda ended things....
Now M is kinda out of the picture now. So I guess not everything is dull around here.

It's me and B on the daily now. He helps me with work, helps around the house, keeps me sane when I need it. No matter how good one's relationship is going a guy needs he's boys.

That enough now... beck to work... seems there is always something that needs to be done....

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