Aus (cme4e) wrote,

This is a long one, and I'm half asleep...

Do you remember sitting in cross legged as a young child in what seemed an huge circle with that one kid, building your anticipations, slowly walking around all the kids saying.. "Duck... Duck... Duck..." you hope you'll get picked and have the chance to hop up and run and catch them as you both race around the circle.... They get closer..."Duck... Duck...Duck..." you start to get nervous, you just know it's going to be you and then "Goose!" and you were right, you spring to your feet, hot on there heals and then tag.... you get thru the round....

What happened to life being that simple? That painless? That fun? What happened to your biggest worries being not getting home in time to see you favorite cartoon and the only stress you had was not being picked last for kick ball?

You notice the world is a much different place later on in life. It's dark, cold and a little scary. There's no more cowboys an indians, and when you play cops and robbers the stakes are allot higher.. Cause when you are running these days it's there's no laughing and giggling involved.

What do you do if you discover that you had helped make the world a little darker? That your actions in the past have made things seem colder and that you were what made things scary?

Does it make things any different if you've honestly changed? Does it negate the horrors of your past? The times you trespassed ageist others, and the times you were some one's personal boogie man?

Because I was all of those things. Some one's darkness. Some one's freezing night, and the cause of many people's fear. Where do I stand now that I am no longer that person?

I get to experience them all myself I suppose. Not in the way that I dealt the hand back then, but as an old friend used to say "Same problems, different situations". and so I sit here, deep in thought, and realizing that allot of what I am going thru, I have put others thru. So with that said, I know I have no right to complain.

The situations are completely different for me, and the average person wouldn't see how they are similar in any way, including the emotional aspect of it all. But believe you me, they are bed fellows.

Because of where I have put myself the warmest days can still give me cold chills, and nights seems to be filled with a pure blackness that not even the brightest light could cut thru it, and yes... the world... the world is a very scary place.

Now here I stand at a cross roads. I can take the path that would lead to me dropping into fetal position, wanting to pull the covers over my head and hopping those things from my bad dreams can't get to me thru the soft cotton, Or... Or I can simply choose to walk down the path that I was on not too long ago... Where I stood tall, met things head on and was proactive about all things in life. It was a good time, and it was because the best defense is a good offense.... and I attacked all problems I had with awesome vigor.

Of course I could just choose to stand still and do nothing. But lets face it, if you know me well enough to be reading this thing, then you know me well enough to know I could never just let myself lay stagnant.

Yes, I've been dealt a shitty hand indeed, but I think I might have a card up my sleeve. I've been reactive to everything lately, trying to tread water to keep my head above it, spending ten times the energy I would if I had just picked a direction to swim in. Yes... that is the key... I need to pick a direction, and move in it... I'm too much of an Aries to just let myself drown, don't you think?

A great friend made me think tonight about reactive Vs. Proactive behavior. She turned a switch on in my head.... right after she helped me pull it out of my ass... She kind of kick started something in me... and I don't think she has a clue about it.
the bottom line is that I've been reactive towards everything going on right now. Be it the end of my relationship, or the several close calls with almost loosing my job. I need to be proactive. It's so simple it makes me laugh.

We are in the positions in life that we have put ourselves in. Pure, simple and to the point. No one has put us here.. and if it appears that way it's usually (not always) but usually because we allowed them to.... but as the Wu once said... "If some one keeps kickin you and kickin you and kicking you, if you break off their motha fuckin foot, there won't be no kick any more". I messed up the quote, but you get the idea.....

I've been all over the place with this post...  but bear with me....
*Life aint simple.... I got it.
*I've made life hard... I got it.
*Life is being hard on me... I got it.
*Life will be what it will be if you allow it... I got it,
and bout time I remembered.....
*Life is what you make it, if you choose to make it anything... oh snap... I got it.

I've been wallowing in depression and self pity. That stops now. Right now. I'm taking back control. It's my life damn it, and I'm choosing to do something about it.

I've neglected some one close to me because of this crap.... sorry darlin... Bubba's back now. Don't give up on me yet...

So where do I go from here? Well every great play in every great sport has had a game plan behind it, and that is what I need to start with....

My first step in this should be to go to bed, lol.... it's 5:29am... so I'm going to start with that. I'm going to bed happy for the first time in a little while because a few friends, not working together, but having a common goal have reminded me that this is my life and I can make it anything I want. Those of you who have offered me your support, and even given it without me asking, Thanks. You guys are the best.

I'm not going to click my heals and wish my way home. I'm going to break my back if I have to, and get home because I've made it happen....
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